dear got afflicted with two nonsense illnesses, with one being pretty mild and the other one being potentially disastrous. and as i read dear's blog and how he's worried about the illness, it made me feel like such a bad gf. somehow, i'm so focused on doing my diaries and sprees and everything else, and i failed to see the most important thing right by my side. i should have noticed the signs, like how dear tells me about his internet research on shingles or his sister telling him about it. i should have seen how important and worrying this illness is to dear. and instead of being understanding towards him, or at least try to make him less worried about his illness, i get all insecure and unhappy when dear flared his temper a little.

perhaps it was the bad dream that i had, or my incoming menstrual thats causing all the hormonal imbalance or the lack of pure and nice bonding in a long time, somehow, somewhere within, i'm actually really afraid that i will lose dear. it's almost like i can see the cracks in the relationship and i choose to ignore it, cos i will never want to lose him. so i start focusing on my diaries and sprees so that i will be kept busy. but on the other hand, my focus is causing more cracks. its like a chicken and egg theory and a vicious cycle.

nonetheless, i'm such a selfish girl, expecting dear to be by my side, supporting me, be my anger bunny and take in everything, to not feel insecure when i'm neglecting him and so many and many more while i can't even do a fraction of what dear is doing. looks like i have the most double standards after all...and i'm really really sorry. and i love you dear. i'm serious.

sometimes, i stop and reflect about our relationship. somewhere, somehow, it has changed. we are slowly becoming more independent, more like 2 separate entities. there will be times that i totally do not know what dear is doing, and times when dear doesn't know about mine too. gradually, we seem to have lesser laughter and smiles when we are out. i do not know if this is a gradual decline of our relationship or is this a stage all couples go through as they slowly settle in. but again, somewhere, somehow, it hasn't cos i am still loving him more and more with each day. dear has become so integrated in my life, i can never bear the thought of losing him. it's the sense of comfort and feeling that i have someone by my side no matter what, it's almost like a subconscious thought, even when i don't consciously think dear is by my side, dear is by my side, i simply know he is. and i am confused as to which one it is and where it will lead me to.