today is the 14th working day to a UO parcel that is supposed to arrive at my place a week ago. so it can officially be called a lost/undelivered mail and i have to ask UO to file a claim for the item. and it doesn't just end there. i can foresee the countless updates or apologies or pleads i have to make to all those who joined the spree to be more patient and wait and the countless phonecalls to USPS/UO/singpost to ask where's my refund or how's progress. combined with the fear that any mishandling might result in a possible blacklisting on spreesgalore (which probably will really happen if it really gets lost and no refund are given) and the exams in two weeks, the stress is really rather hard to handle.

i thought i was okay, like somehow every morning i wake up to see no new boxes in front of the tv, i kept telling myself there's still wednesday. and when wednesday came and the same thing still happened, somehow i didn't feel the huge impact. that's what always happen isn't it, when small things happen, i whine about it the entire day. i might be unhappy or angsty but i whine and everything's gone. but when huge serious things like this happen, i keep it bottled, don't even want to talk about it, not whine, keep deluding myself that actually i don't feel that bad. until somehow, the tears just start flowing and i don't even know why. dear asked me what triggered the tears, i have no idea if he was worried that its him, but i just want to say that, it's just the bottling of everything that triggered the tears. menstruation + exams + lost package = the bomb.

i know dear thinks that it's not worth it at all. in fact everyone does. and a part of me knows it too. for the effort, time, tears and worry i put it, it's not even worth the few cents i'm earning. i'm like asking for responsibility for nothing. but i don't know why, i'm just genuinely happy when i get to see the items arrive, when ppl thank me for the items, service and all. i just really like it.

that apart, i feel like i'm drifting with dear, like our relationship is starting to crack. i really really don't want that to happen, but we just don't seem to have the time to mend it. when i'm with him, sometimes i feel so at ease that i forget that i have to do something constructive and couple-ish. and then the time i realizes it, it is the time he has to leave and i try to grab hold of the last few minutes. and while i try to grab hold of the last few mins, i feel an immense amount of guilt, like i'm being selfish and tying dear down when he should be home studying. (which is really the reason why i cried the second time)that always happens, i know it and it still happens and i don't know why i can't change and all i can do is cry. sometimes i think and wonder, if dear is getting sick of my tears. in fact, i am getting sick of it myself.

i feel like i'm becoming more and more screwed up and i have no one to blame but myself. but maybe, it might just be the hormonal changes in my body.